I've been thinking a lot lately about two things. 1. What would I recall on my death bed? and 2. Am I good mom?
I've been thinking about if I were to die, what would I remember most fondly about my life. What I've come to realize is that I would remember: my mom standing with me to catch the bus the first day of kindergarden, playing made up games with sisters over the summer, the first day I had my dog-Alex, and how precious he looked, how worried I was when I got Billy because he was so tiny compared to Alex, my husband's face as I walked down the isle, my husband's sweet kiss as I went in for a D&C with our miscarried honeymoon baby, the first time I walked into Isabel's room and found her smiling, and looking down at her sweet, content face while breast feeding. Those are the things that have happened to date that I want to remember should I die. Not getting my master's degree, or my first job, or purchasing my first car; but the things that truly make my heart swell with love.
I've found myself wondering if I am a good mom. I realize that being a mom is fun, but a big responsibility. Who my daughter becomes as an adult is a direct reflection of what I did do or more importantly, what I did not do right as a parent. At night, when Isabel is sleeping, there are some fundamental things that I go over in my head:
~ Did I speak kind words all day to my daughter?
I want my daughter to grow up and to use kind words and never use words to hurt people intentionally. Kids learn by example. Was my intonation sweet all day? Or was I easily frustrated and did it come out in my words or the way I said my words? Some days, it is easier to speak nicely; other days, I am tired and I have to either make a conscious effort to speak kindly or have Garrick point out that my tone of voice isn't as sweet as it could be. This is a work in progress for me.
~ Was my daughter safe from any type of danger all day long?
This is an important one especially as we continue to baby proof the house! But, luckily we have never had any accidents yet... knock on wood!
~ Did I make time for her when it was most important?
I think it's important especially with daughters to make sure that they realize that their needs and wants are important and a priority or else when they are older, they will look to other sources to have their needs and wants filled whether it be succumbing to peer pressure from friends to do things that we don't value as a family or from a boyfriend or other man figure. This is important to practice from a very young age. Of course, this does not mean that you shouldn't make time to meet your needs or your husband's needs--those are just as important too.
~ Was I patient?
Was I patient even when I was hungry or in the middle of doing things but she needed me? It's important to show her patience when she needs me most. Sometimes it's hard to practice patience especially when I'm cleaning the bathroom, but she's hungry. I hate stopping something I'm in the middle of. But, I've learned to do this. I don't want her to learn how to be impatient from me. This one again is a work in progress for me, but I'm consciously working on this.
~ Have I encouraged independence but made sure the environment was safe?
I want her to learn that she can do things on her own. She is pulling up to stand now and so proud of her self and even cruising along furniture. I applaud her every time she looks at me for approval, but I also have to make sure that there is nothing in the way that could cause an accident. So far, we have adjusted our environment by removing the coffee table out of the living room where we spend the most time, used corner guards, put up a baby gate, and covered electrical outlets.
~ Do I give her things without over indulging her?
Right now, it's kind of hard to over indulge an infant in anything except for food, and I do have to stop Isabel from over eating to the point of her being sick. I think she likes the interaction of feeding time, but she has eaten so much, she has thrown up, so I've learned her limits, and stop her at those and distract her until she forgets how much she loves to eat. But, this will be important as she gets a little bigger. Garrick spoils her, and rightfully so! She is our daughter and we can afford things. But--we will have to learn how to reward her without over indulging her. When you over indulge children, they grow up thinking they will always get and don't have to give back and will expect things. I think it's important to give her nice things especially if they are safer or healthier options. For example, a nicer car would be safer than a car that needs work; shoes can be expensive, but well worth the price if they are healthier for her feet than other types of shoes; and all natural sunscreen is definitely more expensive than chemical sunscreens but will protect her liver. However, to give in to every little demand ie. "Buy me that doll" or "I want ice cream" does not do your child any favors; it just teaches them that you cannot say no to them.
~ Did I create boundaries?
Was I clear that I am her mommy and not just her friend? Did I show her that mommy needs time to cook and clean and cannot have her attached to my hip at all times? I do pretty good with this. When I have to cook, I either put her in her swing where she can see me or in her high chair and move her into the kitchen so she can see me and I can talk to her while I get my cooking done. I also put her on the floor with some favorite toys while I dust or fold. The only things I find difficult to do without my husband at home is vacume and iron. Isabel doesn't like the sound of the vacume and it upsets her, and if I'm ironing, she tries to pull up on the ironing board and that just isn't safe. As much as I would love to have her attached to my hip all day long, it's important that she sees there are clear boundaries and mommy needs time to do the things that need to be done.
~ Have I fostered her to develop her own personality?
This is a tough one especially because she is an infant, but she definitely has her own personality. She is determined and does a new skill over and over in a day to master it. She is generally happy, but responds to angry sounds (especially scary music on TV). She loves to talk to anyone who will listen. She is so so so sweet and seems to be very tactile. It seems her love language is physical touch, so did I hug her enough and hold her hand enough to make her feel loved? This one will be a continual work in progress as she grows especially in her teenage year. I don't even want to begin thinking about that one!
Those are a few things that have been on my mind lately. I'm sure there is more, but this is enough for now. What would you include on the list of private mommy thoughts of "am I good mommy?"
Comments (5)
I'm not going to add to your list. You were very thorough and made some good points, however, I do want to add some caution statements.
You said "who my daughter becomes as an adult is a direct reflection of what I did do, or more importantly, what I did not do right as a parent". That is sort of true but not totally. While you are right it is a big responsibility, you must always remember that you and your husband will do the very best that you can in all areas because you love first God, secondly each other, and then thirdly your children. While children are important and a priority, it is important that you have a solid relationship with Christ first and then your husband. That is important for your children to grow up secure in your family. The second thing is, you WILL make mistakes. There is NO WAY to be perfect, and if you obsess and try to be perfect it will only teach your children that there is no room for mistakes. That they must be perfect too, and to try to live up to PERFECTION can be very discouraging. Lastly, you and your husband will do your best as I said, but ultimately, they will make their own decisions. If you have raised them to know God, taught them right from wrong, loved them through all of their mistakes, and if you are there for them not just in a physical sense but in an emotional and spiritual way, you have done your job. They may go through a lot of issues in life that will have you on your knees praying till you have scabs, and that is after they have become adults. They will surprise you, make you laugh, make you cry, make you scream and you will give them advice that they may or may not listen to, some or one or all may even get mad when you "tell them like it is". But, you will continue to love them and be there for them, and they WILL make their own decisions. What I'm trying to say, is that you as a parent can do your job the to the best of your ability as a human being and a loving parent, but you are NOT responsible for the decisions they will ultimately make as teenagers or as adults. You will but a HUGE influence on them, NO DOUBT! But, they will have many influences, MANY, and they will make the decisions that they will make. Some will be awesome and you will be thrilled, and others will stink and you will hate it, but they will learn either the easy way or the hard way, and they will be their own person. I guess I have blathered on enough. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I just want to say, that because you think about all of this and care so much, you are already an incredible, wonderful, mom! I'd say you are off to a marvelous start to this adventure we call motherhood :)
Blessings
Karen
@sugartomyhoney - very well said. It was my first thought as I read it also.
Jill, you are amazing, your whole post was great to read. I reminded me that as my kids were growing up, everynight I'd pray, "Please keep them safe, happy and healthy" and "keep me safe and healthy so I could take care of them" I didn't pray for happiness for myself, as I felt if they were all the above then I would be happy. Your whole family is so lucky to have each other!
This was a beautiful entry with so many great sentiments. Parenthood is the greatest job with the biggest set of responsibilities imaginable. You are a wonderful mother though and Isabel is lucky to have you.
RYC: That is wrong what they made that woman do. I have done a lot of research and formula, breastmilk and juice for your child is allowed in quantities over 3 oz. This new rule started when a woman had pumped breastmilk and was forced to throw it away....she started bawling in front of everyone because of how important the milk was to her. I would probably have done the same thing. Since then, they make exceptions to formula and breastmilk, but you have to let them know at the checkpoint and they look it over. Here's what i found on the TSA website.....
"Medications, baby formula and food, breast milk, and juice are allowed in reasonable quantities exceeding three ounces and are not required to be in the zip-top bag. Declare these items for inspection at the checkpoint."
Just in case you travel, i thought you'd like to know. I plan on printing out the info from the TSA handout to have on hand in case they give me any trouble. Thanks for the story about that lady you saw....i want to do everything i can to avoid that situation.
@ShamrockLover - Well, I'm glad things have changed. This was about 14 months ago when I was still pregnant. She had the baby in a Baby Bjorn and I know for a fact that she pleaded with them that it was formula for the 30 hour trip she was making. Because I started to stand up for her and asking them what was she supposed to do--her baby would get hungry and cranky on the flight. She didn't have any powder with her because she had already checked in her bag with the powder formula in it. Hopefully you won't have any problems.