I had my 16 week doctor's appointment today. Baby #2 had a heartbeat in the 150s. No ultrasound this time. I've gotten an ultrasound every time for heart beat, but today, they could get in via doppler. I scheduled my anatomy scan for Aug. 11 (1 week later than normal just to make sure I am far enough along to get accurate pictures of everything). We find out the gender then. This pregnancy is flying by! I've had no morning sickness. I did have a UTI this past weekend, but my loving resident physician husband didn't let me suffer all weekend, he called me in an antibiotic. I did call the doctor's office, but they were only on call for laboring patients, and I wasn't about to pay $150 at an urgent care clinic just for an urinanalysis and a $20 antibiotic prescription. I've lost another 3 pounds, and I'm not in maternity clothes yet, but I'm happy because it's awfully hot down here to be gaining weight. :)

Isabel had her nine month appointment last week. She is only 15 pounds 11 ounces. I've been trying to feed her more and more table foods, but maybe she's meant to be petite. :)

I've been thinking a lot lately about two things. 1. What would I recall on my death bed? and 2. Am I good mom?

I've been thinking about if I were to die, what would I remember most fondly about my life. What I've come to realize is that I would remember: my mom standing with me to catch the bus the first day of kindergarden, playing made up games with sisters over the summer, the first day I had my dog-Alex, and how precious he looked, how worried I was when I got Billy because he was so tiny compared to Alex, my husband's face as I walked down the isle, my husband's sweet kiss as I went in for a D&C with our miscarried honeymoon baby, the first time I walked into Isabel's room and found her smiling, and looking down at her sweet, content face while breast feeding. Those are the things that have happened to date that I want to remember should I die. Not getting my master's degree, or my first job, or purchasing my first car; but the things that truly make my heart swell with love.

I've found myself wondering if I am a good mom. I realize that being a mom is fun, but a big responsibility. Who my daughter becomes as an adult is a direct reflection of what I did do or more importantly, what I did not do right as a parent. At night, when Isabel is sleeping, there are some fundamental things that I go over in my head:

~ Did I speak kind words all day to my daughter?

I want my daughter to grow up and to use kind words and never use words to hurt people intentionally. Kids learn by example. Was my intonation sweet all day? Or was I easily frustrated and did it come out in my words or the way I said my words? Some days, it is easier to speak nicely; other days, I am tired and I have to either make a conscious effort to speak kindly or have Garrick point out that my tone of voice isn't as sweet as it could be. This is a work in progress for me.

~ Was my daughter safe from any type of danger all day long?

This is an important one especially as we continue to baby proof the house! But, luckily we have never had any accidents yet... knock on wood!

~ Did I make time for her when it was most important?

I think it's important especially with daughters to make sure that they realize that their needs and wants are important and a priority or else when they are older, they will look to other sources to have their needs and wants filled whether it be succumbing to peer pressure from friends to do things that we don't value as a family or from a boyfriend or other man figure. This is important to practice from a very young age. Of course, this does not mean that you shouldn't make time to meet your needs or your husband's needs--those are just as important too.

~ Was I patient?

Was I patient even when I was hungry or in the middle of doing things but she needed me? It's important to show her patience when she needs me most. Sometimes it's hard to practice patience especially when I'm cleaning the bathroom, but she's hungry. I hate stopping something I'm in the middle of. But, I've learned to do this. I don't want her to learn how to be impatient from me. This one again is a work in progress for me, but I'm consciously working on this.

~ Have I encouraged independence but made sure the environment was safe?

I want her to learn that she can do things on her own. She is pulling up to stand now and so proud of her self and even cruising along furniture. I applaud her every time she looks at me for approval, but I also have to make sure that there is nothing in the way that could cause an accident. So far, we have adjusted our environment by removing the coffee table out of the living room where we spend the most time, used corner guards, put up a baby gate, and covered electrical outlets.

~ Do I give her things without over indulging her?

Right now, it's kind of hard to over indulge an infant in anything except for food, and I do have to stop Isabel from over eating to the point of her being sick. I think she likes the interaction of feeding time, but she has eaten so much, she has thrown up, so I've learned her limits, and stop her at those and distract her until she forgets how much she loves to eat. But, this will be important as she gets a little bigger. Garrick spoils her, and rightfully so! She is our daughter and we can afford things. But--we will have to learn how to reward her without over indulging her. When you over indulge children, they grow up thinking they will always get and don't have to give back and will expect things. I think it's important to give her nice things especially if they are safer or healthier options. For example, a nicer car would be safer than a car that needs work; shoes can be expensive, but well worth the price if they are healthier for her feet than other types of shoes; and all natural sunscreen is definitely more expensive than chemical sunscreens but will protect her liver. However, to give in to every little demand ie. "Buy me that doll" or "I want ice cream" does not do your child any favors; it just teaches them that you cannot say no to them.

~ Did I create boundaries?

Was I clear that I am her mommy and not just her friend? Did I show her that mommy needs time to cook and clean and cannot have her attached to my hip at all times? I do pretty good with this. When I have to cook, I either put her in her swing where she can see me or in her high chair and move her into the kitchen so she can see me and I can talk to her while I get my cooking done. I also put her on the floor with some favorite toys while I dust or fold. The only things I find difficult to do without my husband at home is vacume and iron. Isabel doesn't like the sound of the vacume and it upsets her, and if I'm ironing, she tries to pull up on the ironing board and that just isn't safe. As much as I would love to have her attached to my hip all day long, it's important that she sees there are clear boundaries and mommy needs time to do the things that need to be done.

~ Have I fostered her to develop her own personality?

This is a tough one especially because she is an infant, but she definitely has her own personality. She is determined and does a new skill over and over in a day to master it. She is generally happy, but responds to angry sounds (especially scary music on TV). She loves to talk to anyone who will listen. She is so so so sweet and seems to be very tactile. It seems her love language is physical touch, so did I hug her enough and hold her hand enough to make her feel loved? This one will be a continual work in progress as she grows especially in her teenage year. I don't even want to begin thinking about that one!

Those are a few things that have been on my mind lately. I'm sure there is more, but this is enough for now. What would you include on the list of private mommy thoughts of "am I good mommy?"

My baby will be 9 months at the end of this month.







Where does the time go?